As part of getting back on the wagon, I took a little read through memory lane. I dug out all of my notes, scraps of paper, medical forms, and diary entries from the past 13 years about my Vaginismus.
Funny note before I really start this post: I keep all this stuff hidden safely away in a physical representation of my FEAR and EMBARRASSMENT about Vaginismus, which I really hate that I still have. The notes are contained within an envelope, which is inside a box (which also contains a bag containing my dilating stuff), which is inside a drawer, which is in my bedside table. It's like that rhyme about the woman who swallowed a fly, nobody knows why. I used to also have a layer of bubble wrap encasing my dilators in case a housemate pawed through my drawers. To the best of my knowledge this never happened but it was a bloody faff unwrapping it each time I can tell you. The bubble wrap has recently been discarded. This is actually an improvement. Pre-diagnosis my first set of dilators were confined to a box in the bottom of a wardrobe, never to be seen or heard from again. Maybe one day I'll make them into an art sculpture by my front door (I won't).
It's a little emotional but really nice (?) to read back over some of these things and know that although I still have it, I'm in a much better position than I was back then. Most of my progress has been in the past two years. And I haven't done anything for 7 months so really it was like 11 years of stagnation and then an intense 18 month period of progress, followed by a 7 month holiday.
When I first started psychotherapy and what was my second attempt at dilating, I decided to keep some notes from my sessions. This is because I'm still a big old nerd and also because my memory is quite poor. I'm really glad I did because I can objectively review where I was then and where I am now which IS SO USEFUL.
It's really easy to get stuck thinking you've made no progress or you have gone backwards. So keeping tabs, even if you just write a few words is good to track over time. Even if you don't record every single session, or every single thought, something is better than nothing.
I'd like to celebrate some of my achievements in that 18 month period, cos I don't do that enough. So this is a list of sort of 'goals' that I discussed with my therapist when I had some sessions in 2019:
1) Being able to not burst in to tears and sink into self loathing at the mere thought of Vaginismus/Sex. BIG OLD TICK. I have fully put that aside. I can't explain how much more in perspective I see this condition. Am I happy about it? No. Are my thoughts proportional to the reality of the situation? Mostly, yes.
2) Be able to discuss my Vaginismus with other humans. TICK. Kind of. You are my witnesses. Also I have spoken to multiple humans, including my therapist and a prospective partner. I still can't talk to friends about it, work in progress.
2) Dating - TICK TICK. I'm stupidly comfortable with dating now and I'm so much more confident in myself, my body and my sexuality.
3) Being able to use tampon - Half tick. I am able to insert tampons with ZERO pain. This was previously not possible. The caveat is that sometimes I experience pain removing them, so, work in progress.
4) Dilate, Dilate, Dilate - TICK TICK TICK. I'm on dilator 4 in my set of 6 (HOLY SHIT THIS ACTUALLY WORKS). Although I am a little stuck. I did get to D5 briefly, but reverted to D4. Still. This is huge. Literally and figuratively.
5) Kegels (pelvic floor exercises). FAIL. I suck at remembering to do this. If anyone knows the secret to actually remembering this past day 1 please enlighten me. It was always the thing I slipped up on from my sessions.
I'm going to take this warm buzzy feeling of pride into my new phase 3 of dilating, which I am so far sticking to. I can see the progress I've made, which means this works, and its all worth it, and that's motivation. Hopefully it's enough!
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