I've had some good sessions and bad sessions this week. Overwhelmingly the latter if I'm being honest.
I'm disappointed with how things are progressing, or rather disappointed that they aren't progressing. It has been almost exactly 1 month since I moved down to dilator 3 and I don't really feel like I've got any further towards recovery. Some days my pain score is close to zero. Other days it's higher than when I started. (WTF Narla!).
I'm obsessing over it. Becoming distracted by thoughts that I must be doing something wrong, that I should dilate more often and for longer, maybe I have the wrong dilators, should I get a new set? Maybe it's the lube, maybe I have something else wrong with me. Maybe I'm in that small percentage of people that don't respond to treatment. Et cetera.
It took writing it all down for me to realise what's going on here and unsurprisingly its the usual culprits:
I'm focusing too much on the ultimate end goal and getting frustrated, rather than recognising my small wins. If I consider where I am today in relation to the ultimate-holy-grail-end-goal of PIV sex then yes, I'm a long way off and it all feels hopeless. That's just because I'm zooming out way too far. When I zoom back in and compare my progress to my short-term goals, things look better!
I'm grasping at straws to explain my lack of progress and take back control of the situation. If the dilators are the problem, I could solve the problem by getting a new set. If its the lube, even better, that's cheap to swap out. If it's a different diagnosis then that gives me an excuse for not progressing 'fast enough'. Basically I don't want to put the work in and I'm looking for an out.
Being Realistic
It also goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. One month is nothing! It might feel long, but it isn't. Sure, there are people who zip through the full dilator set in a few weeks. But they're the minority. I've had this condition for over 10 years. That's a lot of re-learning to expect my brain to do in one month.
There's no right or wrong speed. There's no magical number for how long this stuff takes, no matter how many times I ask Google. I'm impressed with anyone out there that gets through this in a matter of weeks, but I'm counting in years rather than months. And I'll say it again. That isn't for lack of trying, or not wanting it hard enough. It just doesn't work like that.
Alright OK lets get some positivity back into our heads. Stand up. Shake it off. And yes, I literally stood up and shimmied the negativity away.
Dilating Progress
So now I've rebalanced my thoughts. What has been my ACTUAL progress this week?
Well, Shark week is over. HALLELUJAH! So I'm back to my dilating. That's the first good thing. I've also stepped things up and I'm managing to dilate every day. Which is amazing. A massive win! I feel like this will be hard to keep up and because I don't have a gap between sessions that I'm anxious about being sore from the last one. I have noticed already that my pain scores are a little higher across the board but it's only day 5 of dilating on consecutive days so lets see.
Since I'm doing this every day now I sometimes want to shorten my sessions. I've got two weapons in my arsenal to speed things up. Lelo (clitoral vibrator) and also Bellesa. I don't always want a super quick dilating session but I've found that when I do, these things help.
I also tried out a morning session (usually I dilate at night for privacy). The morning session was courtesy of daylight savings which my alarm clock failed to recognise and went off an hour early, so I had time to kill.
ANGLES ARE YOUR FRIENDS. The more practice I get, the better I am at nailing the right angle. Narla gets really mad if I don't pay attention to these. For insertion I angle the dilator slightly so the tip is heading towards my lower back, rather than straight in. Removal is following the same path but in reverse. If I get the removal angle wrong Narla throws a fit and gives me like a 5+ pain score which I want to avoid at all costs. I got it wrong this morning. Mistake. (Note: I have slightly curved dilators so I think this is accentuated more than with straight ones? Worth paying attention to nonetheless). I've got this down so well now that I can often get a zero pain score on removal. Which is HUGE and one of my goals for 2020. This was always a sticking point before.
I'm a firm believer in just trying new things as often as we can. Variety is the spice of life etc. Particularly during this Covid era where life is as exciting as a bowl of gruel. So in the spirit of adventure, I tried vagina yoga this week. Seriously. I mean it's really just yoga for stretching the pelvic floor muscles but vagina yoga sounds better. I've since read conflicting articles on how useful this is for Vaginismus, so the jury is out. Let me know if you have any experience with this!
I'm still working through my sex mindfulness sessions with Emjoy which is helping me to focus my mind and be more present during my dilation sessions and notice sensations more closely. Still loving these. There is one narrator whose voice is sometimes a little patronising for my British ears but the sessions are generally really good. At this point I'm not sure if the mindfulness is actually having an effect on how successful my session is, or whether I just like taking ten minutes to myself each day to do some deep breathing. We'll see how this plays out.
Looking forward to next week
I have a busy couple of weeks coming up so honestly I will be happy if all I manage to do is stick to my daily routine without skipping too many sessions. But let's aim a little higher than that:
Maintain dilating EVERY DAY (I just decided I'm going to give myself a treat if I make it to 30 days. Probably cake. Do you think I can get a vagina cake without too many weird looks?)
Keep going with the diaries! I skipped a few days recently and regretted it
Do some nice things for myself to counteract the disappointment from 'lack of progress'. Self compassion & self care guys. It's important.
Note: Everyone's journey with dilating is their own. Dilating every day isn't necessarily prescribed for everyone but it's something I want to try out. The most important thing is to not force anything and to take your time. I'm very much not a doctor or a therapist.
Kommentare