I'm just over two weeks into my latest 'round' of dilating and I've had some mixed results. Two things I try to remember with dilating are: Don't beat yourself up. And don't go too fast.
So what happened - I went too fast and now I'm beating myself up. URGH. I am my own worst enemy.
I've written down some of my feelings and what they actually mean when I take a step back.
I'm feeling guilty that I haven't dilated every single day (I set my expectations too high and wasn't able to meet them)
My progress went downhill on some days and I feel like I'm going backwards (I have not gone backwards, I'm still on Dilator 4. It's just that some days are better than others)
Maybe I'm one of the people that can't be cured with dilator therapy (this is very overdramatic of me. I've had progress historically with dilators. HELLO, how do I think I got to dilator 4?! So it does work, and I've only had four sessions recently which is not enough to base any assumptions on)
I'm trying to keep my spirits up and tell myself that all this is normal, because it absolutely is. Deep breaths.
The First Session
Session numero uno went very well, I felt good and confident. I hadn't really done much dilation in the past er... 7 months, so I was a bit nervous that I might have to go back down to dilator 3. Thankfully that wasn't the case (phew). I managed to get dilator 4 all the way in with only some minor discomfort (2/10) and left it there for ten minutes. (Yep, probably too long for the first go). I was elated. I even managed to take the dilator out without much discomfort which is usually my problem area.
So why not try the next size up, I thought.
Yep, you heard that correctly. On my first dilation session I wanted to sprint ahead and try dilator 5, which my friends, is the last size in this particular set and alarmingly large. I know myself well enough that I managed to reign myself in here and stick to #4. It was a good session but no, I'm not completely comfortable with #4 yet, so no, I should not be trying #5. My concern with skipping ahead to #5 is that by taking things too fast I may wind up further back than I started. And I think its a realistic concern. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to channel my inner tortoise.
So then I decided I would move to #5 in the next two weeks. BASED ON WHAT? Yet again, I'm setting some arbitrary goal which is based on absolutely nothing. I can certainly have a goal to CHECK IN in two weeks to see if I'm ready for #5 but I'm not going to 'aim' to be on #5 in two weeks. Deep breaths. Inner tortoise should read her own blog posts on setting goals.
Sessions 2 & 3
After a great first session, the next two sessions weren't quite as good. I still got #4 in 100% but the pain score was a little higher each time. Although still below a 4/10 I hasten to add, which I will never go over.
Ok so what was going on here. Realistically I think for me (and I guess this is a personal choice) trying to dilate every day straight off the bat was too much. Also dilating for 10 minutes was probably a little too long at the start. I also didn't check my expectations. After my first session I was elated to have not gone backwards but by my third session I was wondering why I wasn't progressing. Three sessions is nothing, dilating takes a lot of time. I had set unrealistic expectations.
Incidentally how do YOU feel about dilating every single day? Let me know. Maybe other people have more success with it but it hasn't been great for me historically. I get sore and it sort of builds up more and more so I usually get a decreasing level of success over the week.
Hello Period
Three sessions in to my magical new dilating phase, my period graced me with her presence. WONDERFUL. I should have seen this coming really, it wasn't a surprise. It put me out of action for NINE WHOLE DAYS. I get a whole load of PMS symptoms and just general Vulval discomfort so I decided not to continue dilating. I want absolutely nothing to go anywhere near my vagina when I feel like that.
The positive thing is that gave me a little break to reset. (Yes, taking a break after three sessions. A little ridiculous).
Post Period
I'm back to feeling like me. I'm feeling good and I just had a great first session. In fact the best session of 2020 I would say. Please ignore the fact that there have been less than ten sessions in 2020 (maybe even less than 5..?). This is a big moment for me and I will continue to bask in it, thank you.
I don't really know what was different. I actually was feeling a bit low that day as I had been looking up personal stories of Vaginismus sufferers that afternoon which I found very triggering. I nearly didn't do the session but I managed to get into a better frame of mind and went ahead.
I also used a new lube which I really like. It's one of the ones featured in my 'dilator kit' photos recently, Boots own brand, 'Silky'. I'm usually very loyal to Sylk which is a natural plant based lube and great for people like me who have hypersensitive Vulva's. I have to be very careful with soaps, detergents, pads etc. The problem with Sylk, for me, is that it dries out very quickly, and I suspected that wasn't great for dilating (even though its often sold with dilating kits). Anyway the new lube is ace! It lasted waaaaaaaaaay longer and it felt much thicker. And I think that led to a much much better dilator session. It's also cheaper. Note: Silky does give me a very slight tingly feeling (sorry, TMI) but its very very minor and the benefits outweigh the risks right now. But I will keep an eye on it. Happy to take recommendations if you have any!
Overall I'm pretty pleased with the latest session but somewhat flummoxed at the removal discomfort. I always have a higher pain score on removal than insertion and this session was pain free going in, and approaching a 4/10 at times on the way out. I'm not sure why. I don't really understand why it happens, I seem to be controlling my muscles very well but it still hurts.
I will have some sessions focused on removal and moving it about a bit, I'll start with the smaller end (my dilators are tapered) and work up.
BUT overall - wahoo! I think I'm on track to get into a good routine with this, I've tempered my expectations, found a good lube, and had some good sessions. Dilator 5 should be quaking in his boots (her boots?).
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