I'm going to start this weeks post with a direct quote from last week's dilator diaries post, "Dilator 5 should be quaking in his boots.".
It is now week 3 and not only is dilator 5 NOT quaking in his boots, he is actually rolling around the bottom of the sex drawer laughing maniacally. His mate dilator 4 is also kicking back, watching the disaster unfold. They're like the Peperami dickheads but made of pink silicone.
In my post last week I also directly referred to how RELIEVED I was to have not gone down a size after my extended break from dilating.
So naturally almost immediately after writing that post, I had to go back down to dilator 3.
This feels really frustrating and scary and sometimes I wonder what the point is. I wrote a longer post on how to cope with setbacks, to help me process it and to share with you how I'm managing to stay afloat.
What the hell happened?
An excellent question, I'd also like to know please.
It occurred to me after my extended dilator break that I hadn't ever gone back to dilator 1 and worked up the series again. I didn't feel like I needed to because I was able to insert dilator 4 with a low pain score. Then I read a few posts online from other Vaginismus sufferers that they always start from #1 after a break, and some that even start from #1 during every dilator session. What if I was missing a trick here - maybe this would make for more comfortable and successful sessions? Maybe this was why I got stuck on dilator 4 previously?
I wanted to check this out. I was confident that dilators 1-3 would be a cinch, seeing as I'd had some good sessions on dilator 4 already. So this was just to check. Nothing untoward. Just trying a different strategy.
I was a little surprised and a lot confused with what happened next.
What went down (in the dilator session)
Dilator 1 - felt really weiiiird. It's the smallest in the pack and a little bigger than a baby finger. It felt strange. Not painful, just strange. I think because its so much smaller than dilator 4, it felt a bit pointy? But it went in easily, and painlessly. I didn't really notice it when it was in and I could move it around a bit without any trouble. Thank god for that.
Dilator 2 - felt less pointy and more comfortable (whaaat? Is that normal because it feels weird to say that?). Although it was pain free I did notice a little resistance on it going in (again, whaaat?). Why was I getting more resistance from dilator 2 than dilator 4? What the fuck is happening? I think maybe I just panicked and was tense, also I wasn't using arousal because I had assumed it was going to be EASY (stupid stupid stupid). There was a slight stinging pain around the entrance but once the tip got beyond that it was fine, barely noticed it, could happily move it around. All fine. Ok. That's good. I think. Maybe. But what was that initial burning about?
Dilator 3 - I decided to progress up to dilator 3 in the same session. I was REALLY anxious at this point so this was possibly a terrible idea. I decided to use a little arousal to relax those pesky muscles. It went in easily BUT not 100% pain free, particularly when I moved it around. URGH.
Part of me was thinking "HMMM sounds like you need to go back down to dilator 3, or maybe even dilator 2", but another part of me is like "HMMM no you don't because you're actually pretty comfortable with dilator 4. Then there's ANOTHER part of me that thinks "OMG what if you also have another condition as well as Vaginismus that hasn't been diagnosed properly". But honestly I think this just stems from excessive anxiety and also a complete lack of faith in medicine, Deep. Breaths.
So. Dilator 3. We meet again.
To re-cap I'm comfortable getting dilator 3 in and leaving it in place. It's not 100% pain free if I move it around but certainly lower than 4/10. Since PIV sex involves a LOT of friction, I think that it's important to get comfy with movement (not an expert medical opinion!).
But are we even meant to move dilators around? Most recommendations online just talk about being 'comfortable' with insertion. Which I am. I think. I can't even remember what my last therapist advised. WHAT ARE THE RULES ON THIS PLEASE.
I eventually came to the decision to focus on dilator 3 involving some movement, and PERHAPS to continue to use dilator 4 occasionally.
Silver linings - PLEASE let there be a silver lining
All of the panic and frustration aside, I've actually had some really GOOD sessions with dilator 3 since I took that back step. They have been virtually pain free and I've also been able to enjoy them and find some pleasure. So this definitely wasn't a bad decision.
I'm paying more attention to what I'm feeling in the sessions and thinking about how I use arousal and pleasure in my dilating routine.
I'm really confident that I will continue to have good sessions with dilator 3
I've settled into a solid dilating routine which is half the battle
My love affair with the new lube continues
I've started to go back onto some forums that I used to use to share some tips/tricks and get some in return, which always gives me a warm fuzzy feeling
So for the next week, me and dilator 3 will spend more quality time together, nurturing our relationship. I certainly hope that I won't be on dilator 2 this time next week but I'm not ruling it out. URGHHHH.
P.S. Is it weird that I actually think of my dilators as female, even though they are basically penises? Maybe its because they are pink. Gender stereotyped fake penises. I think we need a poll.
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