This might come across slightly dramatic but I feel like Vaginismus is a lot like the iceberg that sunk the titanic. While its true that my vagina hasn't directly sunk any cruise liners (yet) it is also true that the effects of this condition on my life have been much wider than just a problem with sex, affecting my self esteem, confidence and relationships.
Medically Vaginismus is characterised by excessive and sudden unconscious tightening of the vaginal muscles in response to some type of penetration. This varies a lot from person to person. It can present as complete 'closure' where the muscles are so tight that penetration is impossible, or it can present (like I have) where penetration isn't impossible but it is still very difficult and extremely painful. I'm not exaggerating when I say it feels like someone is shoving a red hot poker into my vagina. It's an intense burning/stinging pain and it fills me with dread. The pain stops when the penetration stops.
It can happen on your first sexual experience (primary), or like it did for me, it could happen at a later point after previously painless penetrative sex (secondary).
The big take away here is that this is an unconscious response by your body in response to some type of attempted penetration. That can either be a tampon, a toy, a finger, penis, speculum etc. Personally, I didn't actually even realise that the muscle tightening was happening, it wasn't something I was aware of. I could just feel the pain that resulted from it. All of this basically means, for me, that I cannot have penetrative sex without being in significant pain. Therefore, I do not currently attempt it.
As well as the physical symptoms, it has taken a real toll on my mental state. I think this is something that the medical definitions sometimes skip over but for me this has probably been the most profound aspect of the whole situation. It used to make me feel like I was failing at being a woman, failing as a partner, even failing at being young. Past tense! I've worked hard to change my mindset on this and I now know these things aren't true.
It can be sometimes be difficult to figure out what caused the Vaginismus in the first place, and for some people it is just spontaneous occurrence. For others it may be linked to such things as severe UTI, traumatic childbirth, fear/anxiety around sex, bad sexual experiences, abuse or other reasons. I originally thought that for me it was a case of spontaneous occurrence but now I'm older and wiser I suspect that there was a delicious cocktail of anxiety around sex, a string of severe UTI's and also bad sexual experiences. I also think its likely that you may never get to the bottom of why it happened and for me that's ok.
What is it not?
There are some quite common misunderstandings about the condition, especially when it hasn't been diagnosed properly. I have thought some of these things before myself so I'd like to straight up dispel these.
It is not uncommon (affects at least 1 in 1000 women in UK)
It is not a physical problem with my vagina
It is not something I've made up, it is very real
It is not an STD
It doesn't mean you can't have and enjoy a romantic/sexual relationship
It is not your fault
Is it treatable?
Well this is the good part. HURRAH! It's a big fat YES to this question. It is diagnosable, it is treatable, and people do overcome it. All. The. Time. But that doesn't mean that its easy.
The main form of treatment is using dilators along with psychotherapy, which I'm currently undergoing. The process gradually 'trains' your vaginal muscles and your brain to get comfortable with the increasing sizes of dilators, and the psychotherapy supports you through this. It takes some time but many people are successful. There is also a new treatment that uses Botox in accompaniment with the dilators for severe cases, or for those who want to speed things up (me). It doesn't make your vagina look younger but it does relax your muscles, albeit it temporarily, and that helps you move up the dilator scale a bit quicker. It's not a case of having the injection and then voila, cured. You still need to use the dilators. I have undergone a combination of these treatments myself and found them all useful in different ways. I'm planning more posts on these separately. If I'm honest the Botox felt a little extreme (not to mention expensive) and isn't for everyone. It's also important to know that it does carry medical risks which your doctor should discuss properly with you.
So. that's my summary of Vaginismus! I still have it, but since my diagnosis two years ago I have seen positive improvements both in terms of the physical symptoms easing and also in the way I think about sex and how I approach relationships. But don't pop the Prosecco just yet. Its still very much an on-going process and I'm still looking forward to the day when Vaginismus gets the f*** out of the house that is my vagina brain.
Important: My experience is just my experience. I'm not a medical professional and cannot provide medical advice. Vaginismus is different for everyone. If you are having symptoms that you think might be Vaginismus you should consult with a doctor and/or psychologist to get a diagnosis.There are several conditions that have similar symptoms so its important to get a proper diagnosis to get the right treatment for you.
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